a yearning

I've been very lonely lately. Now... I have been surrounded by people, many different people at many different times. So how is it possible to feel lonely?

I yearn for something, an emptiness felt. I miss the times spent with creative people, time spent in a classroom full of artists, time in the city, and loving someone. I even miss the time when I felt no dedication to my job. Somehow I have involved myself in my career more than I intended on, and that's the nature of the company that I work for, and the nature of a career of any kind. If it's just a job there's an ability to disconnect, which I lack. I yearn for a time when work is just work, go, do, return, back to my life. I wonder if that will ever happen for me.

My plan: Save money. Talk to my close friends, family, and significant about my plan more thoroughly. Begin looking for a job in February. Begin looking for an apartment in March. Move to the city at the end of April.

This plan seems pretty simple, but everything is more complex in it's underwear. I need to save more money, meaning I have to work more... and that is something I'm almost refusing to do. My work ethic is at it's all time low. In an earlier blog I briefly described the nature of my work, and it's not a regular nine-to-fiver. It's a hell hole of hormones, a fiery furnace of fury, and now I'm just having fun with my alliteration but it's the honest to blog truth. I can't bring myself to work more than I already do. I just want to come home and be alone.

Being alone does not help my loneliness. Life can be so complicated in very cruel ways. But back to this feeling I've been having...

My boyfriend is out of town for about a week. Of course I'm going to feel a little lonely. But hell, I've had a lot of time to do things like go to the nearby coffee shop and blog, not clean my house, roam around in my underwear... I thought I would have the ability to discover peace of mind. My lack of inner peace has nothing to do with the people I spend my time with. So WHat Is IT?

PMS.

HORMONES.

SHITTY JOB.

POOR.


I spend most of my extra time looking around at my small world and thinking, "what the hell, why am I doing it this way?" I could be doing this or that there, not here. I look in my closet and rediscover my capabilities for fashion. I dig through my jewelry boxes and rediscover my craving for originality. I sift through my sketchbooks and revisit old ideas. I look at past work and remember what I used to think. I mail letters and postcards to places I'd rather be. I listen to my weird independent music and hear the city calling.

I can easily make a life here. I just can't bring myself to give up all the aspirations of what if. I fear my ability to get comfortable and settle for something less. I fear what will happen when I get older, get married, have kids, have more and more bills. Where will I be and what will I have done before all of this happens. All I can think of is that this is my time to do what I can when I will even when I probably shouldn't. These are my younger years, the times I need to really live for all the times to come in my life that I can't.

What will happen?

My plan has hopes within. Publicly, I am willing to share these hopes simply for the purpose of weeding them out (and maybe I'm the only one who knows what I mean by that, but this blog is really for me, my process, that I am allowing you to witness).

I hope I can save enough money. I hope the person I love will come with me. I hope to find a job that doesn't suck the life from my soul (I could be a factory worker stapling packets of origami instructions and be perfectly soul-full). I hope to rediscover my inner artist. I hope to rediscover my art-seeing eyes. I hope to meet new people and I hope to begin a fuller life.

That's what it's all about. I want to live the best, and the fullest I can. Maybe not the longest, or wealthiest, or even happiest, just beautiful, engaging, gaping, and full. I don't want to be alone with empty aspirations.