Peek-a-boo

Where did I go? I had a revelation during a recent visit with my grandmother. She said something I'm sure I've heard before, but this time, coming from within the depths of someone I've known in a not so serious way, it rang in me. She said, "after you have a child, you sometimes lose your identity." This is entirely true in the case of me.

Although I have managed some small accomplishments whilst being with child, i.e., completing a year of college while pregnant and through the newborn stage, a large part of myself has been consumed. I can't say I've minded, or even noticed, that this small and beautiful life has banished a part of me. However, during the transition from single-independent-woman, to married-mother-of-one, I seem to have forgotten to nurture myself in some ardently important ways.

There is a deep, post-partum need, now, to rediscover myself.

Step One: I have decided to clean out my painting corner in the basement of my house. It has never actually been what I've wanted it to be, and now it houses dust-bunnies and cat vomit, not an environment conducive to the creative process. So, I'm relocating. I think I will more actively pursue my painting in a more mobile and interchangeable setting, say... the dining room table. My inner yearning for the compartmentalized aroma of small, new york style apartment living, mixed with the hustle-bustle of mothering will hopefully collide to create a setting that will encourage my art. No more dingy basement, where spiders and cobwebs clot my creative flow.

Step Two: I never really understood self portraits until now. Once, I painting a gigantic portrait of myself. There were lots of layers, textures, and colors, and somehow they all disappeared beneath a new idea. I, quite literally, lost myself. In my previous blog, I made note of Alice Neel. Her technique and pallate appeal to me. She has a way of discovering people through brushstrokes. So I've set out to do the same, in a more narsacistic way. I plan on completeing three self portraits. The number three is just a number at this point. I feel if I only did one, it wouldn't really push me into the process I want to go through. I want to painstakingly discover my physical self, to pour onto what I've more recently decided to hate. Maybe after a few paintings I'll be able to see the beauty again. After the three self portraits, I'll have to redetermine where I'm at in my process, and if I'm any closer to becoming more self aware.

We'll see.