I have been displaced for a week now and I'm almost losing my mind. I can't seem to get comfortable in my own skin, nothing seems right, I can't access my dark chocolate layer. I don't feel at home. I used to think that people were my home, my relationships were what kept me stable. I thought I had learned to maintain stability on my own, giving to those around me through laughter, love, and the other. This very well may be the case, but this time away has been rough. We used to be close, we were able to share everthing, do anything, and we clicked on almost every level. She was the dominant one in high school, I was after graduation, and the field is switching again. I wonder how our relationship will change once she has her child, when she becomes a mother.
Change.
Last night, as I began to fall asleep, I thought about all the ways I've changed in the last five years, the things I've done, and all the things I want to do. (I've always thought those five year plans were kind of silly because my goals change as I do). I was frightened by myself. When people hear what I've been through in my short life, what I've done, the accomplishments, torments and what not, they are usually taken back. Last night I was. I couldn't help but wonder what I'll think late at night when I near the final days of my life. I think I'll have to supress the moments of looking back just for the sake of not being overwhelmed. I know I'm going to do much more, accomplish great things, and change many times over. It's an overwhelming thought to think of all the experiences that lie ahead. I'm not sure what my point is, but I guess it may be whatever faults and regrets I have at the moment will be resurected in the future.
Change.
Am I embracing all the changes that life brings and will continue to bring, or am I avoiding stability?
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
BlurbBlog
So what am I to blog now?
Well, I completed my painting for my godson. His mother loved it and it's happily waiting to be hung on the wall. The nursery is lovely and everyone is eagerly waiting for this baby to arrive.
This trip has been good for my soul. I have only been on vacation for a week almost, and it feels wonderful. It's been such a long time since I've felt I truly had a break. I find myself getting almost bored. I think it's the displacement getting to me. if I were at home I could find a million and one things to do, not that i would do them, but I would have options. Today I had to ask to be the driver on our grocery getting outing. I almost felt bad. But I must admit, I need a certain level of control. We've done some fun things so far, like getting our toes pampered and painted, and shopping for outrageous Texas memorabilia, which of course there is ton of. In short though, we truly are just twiddling our thumbs until the day this baby arrives. So far, maybe three contractions in the last week, lots of hormones raging at pedestrians, other drivers, the television, the dishes, the dog, and there has even been a little hormonal crankiness directed at me, but I take it lightly. I've had a little practice dealing with tempers and pregnant girls since I work with them day in and day out.
Today we lit the oven on fire. She had dripped something on the burner the last time she cooked and felt too pregnant to clean it up, so I took the liberty of lighting it on fire to boil some water for our pasta. She freaked. It was exciting.
I find myself crawling out of my skin just a little. Like I mentioned before, I think it may just be the displacement. I haven't slept in my own bed, used my own bathroom, drove my own car, smoked in my own house, (or got a little action) in almost a week. I know, I know, the sex thing makes some people scream, "HA! A WEEK?! I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN ALMOST [insert incredibly long time-length here]!!!" Well just know that I apologize for the absurdity of my statements but remember my point: I'm a little tense. LOL.
I've had a lot of time to get reconnected with friends on the interweb. Not so exciting as it turns out, not so connected anymore. I have to much time to think out here. Have I been too sucked in to work? I hardly talk to my best of friends, I rarely go out with anyone, and it makes me sad that I have three people in my phone contacts that I even talk to on a regular basis. Sad. For that i can say I'm sorry to those I feel I have neglected in the last few months. But on the other hand I always wonder why don't people call me? I have this secret fear that I am one of "those" friends, the one that's awkward but fun to hang out with if they happen to be out with you. The one who's friendly but doesn't make new friends, the one who seems self absorbed but is cool to know. I hope not.
The more I think about my relationships, I realize I'm really terrible at making new friends. I'm too skeptical and nervous. We'll see how that one turns out. Maybe I'm just a busy person, trying to etch out a life and friends will come and go throughout this life. Yes.
I hate time. It seems like I'm always waiting and never in action.
One of my best friends is having a baby, another one just returned from Honduras, one is going to Europe and getting married. I just wonder where I am on this marvelous race. Where do I stand as far as accomplishment? Where am I headed and what will happen to me? All the big "what if?"s.
Well, I completed my painting for my godson. His mother loved it and it's happily waiting to be hung on the wall. The nursery is lovely and everyone is eagerly waiting for this baby to arrive.
This trip has been good for my soul. I have only been on vacation for a week almost, and it feels wonderful. It's been such a long time since I've felt I truly had a break. I find myself getting almost bored. I think it's the displacement getting to me. if I were at home I could find a million and one things to do, not that i would do them, but I would have options. Today I had to ask to be the driver on our grocery getting outing. I almost felt bad. But I must admit, I need a certain level of control. We've done some fun things so far, like getting our toes pampered and painted, and shopping for outrageous Texas memorabilia, which of course there is ton of. In short though, we truly are just twiddling our thumbs until the day this baby arrives. So far, maybe three contractions in the last week, lots of hormones raging at pedestrians, other drivers, the television, the dishes, the dog, and there has even been a little hormonal crankiness directed at me, but I take it lightly. I've had a little practice dealing with tempers and pregnant girls since I work with them day in and day out.
Today we lit the oven on fire. She had dripped something on the burner the last time she cooked and felt too pregnant to clean it up, so I took the liberty of lighting it on fire to boil some water for our pasta. She freaked. It was exciting.
I find myself crawling out of my skin just a little. Like I mentioned before, I think it may just be the displacement. I haven't slept in my own bed, used my own bathroom, drove my own car, smoked in my own house, (or got a little action) in almost a week. I know, I know, the sex thing makes some people scream, "HA! A WEEK?! I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN ALMOST [insert incredibly long time-length here]!!!" Well just know that I apologize for the absurdity of my statements but remember my point: I'm a little tense. LOL.
I've had a lot of time to get reconnected with friends on the interweb. Not so exciting as it turns out, not so connected anymore. I have to much time to think out here. Have I been too sucked in to work? I hardly talk to my best of friends, I rarely go out with anyone, and it makes me sad that I have three people in my phone contacts that I even talk to on a regular basis. Sad. For that i can say I'm sorry to those I feel I have neglected in the last few months. But on the other hand I always wonder why don't people call me? I have this secret fear that I am one of "those" friends, the one that's awkward but fun to hang out with if they happen to be out with you. The one who's friendly but doesn't make new friends, the one who seems self absorbed but is cool to know. I hope not.
The more I think about my relationships, I realize I'm really terrible at making new friends. I'm too skeptical and nervous. We'll see how that one turns out. Maybe I'm just a busy person, trying to etch out a life and friends will come and go throughout this life. Yes.
I hate time. It seems like I'm always waiting and never in action.
One of my best friends is having a baby, another one just returned from Honduras, one is going to Europe and getting married. I just wonder where I am on this marvelous race. Where do I stand as far as accomplishment? Where am I headed and what will happen to me? All the big "what if?"s.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
How to: Paint
So I am now faced with two weeks until I arrived in Copperas Cove, TX for the birth of my godson. It's quite exciting. What's less exciting is that I promised my not yet born godson a painting in celebration of his life, which I was to bring with my on this trip.
I have yet to start such a thing.
8 months ago I think I had a better idea, or hope for a vision. I have no idea what this painting should look like. I have pictured vibrant colors, boy-ish colors (if there is such a thing), and blues. I'm not sure I want to do a painting that will look so much like all the others I've done recently, ie: vibrant reds, oranges and yellows. I think I want to branch out a little and do something that can be ageless and inspirational with every moment in life. I think the blues might be a daunting for a newborn embarking on a fresh life.
Ultimately I would like to produce an abstract, that is vibrant, covers a broad spectrum, and is yet calming and exciting at the same time.
I'm not sure how to accomplish this vision.
It's time to bask in the processing of ideas.
Yay.
I have yet to start such a thing.
8 months ago I think I had a better idea, or hope for a vision. I have no idea what this painting should look like. I have pictured vibrant colors, boy-ish colors (if there is such a thing), and blues. I'm not sure I want to do a painting that will look so much like all the others I've done recently, ie: vibrant reds, oranges and yellows. I think I want to branch out a little and do something that can be ageless and inspirational with every moment in life. I think the blues might be a daunting for a newborn embarking on a fresh life.
Ultimately I would like to produce an abstract, that is vibrant, covers a broad spectrum, and is yet calming and exciting at the same time.
I'm not sure how to accomplish this vision.
It's time to bask in the processing of ideas.
Yay.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
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