I have decided to start writing again. I've been trying to
keep up with my journaling/sketching and whatnot, but I've lost my ability to
focus with pen to paper. With all the accessibility that is the web, I feel
this may be a suitable outlet for a while.
I have loved and I have lost. And, I have lost love. But, I
have found it again in unexpected places, in the small nothings of life, in my
routines, and in the moments I feel lost. I'm learning to live with myself,
learning to see myself at my core, and better my self as an act of healing and
discovery. I have always wanted to be the best version of myself, and I strive
to have this be a goal of mine throughout my lifetime. Nothing is ever done
growing, or changing, that is alive. And, I think even in death. However, I am
here and I want to be overcome each day by the sweet breaths of life.
I want, I want, I want. I need to be more self-less. I
learned something this past week that opened my eyes to a new way of looking at
each encounter. It was pitched to me like the pitch of a sale, however, it is
an ideal I am more than willing to adopt and I look forward to the challenge.
Enter every room with a There You Are vision. Be focused on
the person you are encountering. Make your sole purpose to love them in that
moment, care about the words that pass between you, even if they are short or
shallow. I have had a very lonely Here I Am attitude. In the
recent past, I have entered each room, self-involved, wondering who will I see,
who will I be with, what will they say to me, or what will I say to them;
insecure of the possibility that attention will be on me. This is one of my
major struggles with anxiety, and, perhaps, having a more externally focused
attitude and approach to life will counteract this disorder. My goal is to
enter each room with an open heart and mind, with a passion for whomever is
within it.
Be blessed. A man I hardly know said an amazing set of
syllables to me one morning last week. He said,
"Optimism is practiced,
and it gets harder with age."
His remedy? To wake up every morning and
focus on three blessings in your life, each morning choosing different
blessings. I'm on day four of this endeavor, and I've noticed a weakness in my
grateful-mind: I have an unexercised feeling of thankfulness. Each day has
become harder to find my three new/different blessings. But, how can that be? I
have become comfortable in my luxuries that I have allowed the poison of
entitlement cloud my soul. I focus so much so on the things I do not have, the
things I long for, that I mistreat the value of what I do. I must adjust this
thinking.
Word Vomit: peace, humility, serenity, calm, joyous, fresh,
whole, reborn, soulful...
