Inner Truths and Audible Meanderings: Journey to Betterment No. 5

Today, identify five ways in which you're blessed:

1. I now have a new and safer car.
2. I am healthy.
3. My children look to me for guidance and love.
4. I can experience the beauty and benefit of relationships no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
5. I have this freedom to question, to ponder, and to express.

When I was very young, a wise man said to me, "If you want to know the answer to anything and everything, it's five." My life has since been full of unanswered, and unasked questions, as I assume most of us have in common. The bad things are what toll the loudest ring of inner questioning. Why? Why me? What do I do now? What is left for me?

The answer is five.

Let it go.

On this journey to betterment, I've been practicing the feeling of bliss and gratitude. I have actually found this to be more than difficult, sometimes feeling my helping of despair may have been more than others received. What I've realized over the years is there is no product to be had from this kind of mentality. I've learned to accept, and to proceed; to no longer be a victim of the world around me, but an active participant who allows ample time to spectate the undercurrent of a peaceful, beautiful condition of humanity and nature.

One of the most vibrantly appreciated aspects of my faith is the autonomy to question, to challenge, to not blindly accept what is and what isn't, but, to think of what might be. However, this comes with a need to practice embracing the unknown(s). And, to actively accept that things might simply... just be. No more, no less: Five.

Inner Truths and Audible Meanderings: Journey to Betterment No. 4

I'm feeling "bloggy" today. I'm running on a high today, woke up feeling blissful and joyous, grateful for the wonderful people in my life, and hopeful for future, fulfilling friendships to come. I also had two zits on my nose, but I'm gonna rock it because I'm beautiful.

Someone once told me that I should be less "cocky." As if this attitude of fulfillment and pride is a bad thing. I've worked damn f*cking hard to be who I am, so why not be proud? I honestly think people are intimidated and afraid.

It's a powerful thing; to be happy with oneself, to be honest in everything you do, and to ride the feelings of contention with your life. I think it takes a great deal of strength to be able to look at oneself in the mirror and say, "Go You!" "You're a rockstar!"

Love your body, love your face, love your soul, your character and charisma, cuz baby... you GOT IT! You just have to find it within yourself and let it THE F*CK OUT!

So yes, I'm cocky, because I rule this shit! This henhouse of life is my b*tch. I spent too much of my life feeling less-than, or ashamed/embarrassed, broken down. Now is my time to shine, and I'm gonna let it shine.

I want my happiness to beam from my lips, drip from my eyes, and transcend to others through a graceful touch. Be happy Dammit!

Inner Truths and Audible Meanderings: Journey to Betterment No. 3

My three things that I'm thankful for today:

1. My car is STILL running: everyday this is an easy one for me to be thankful for. My exhaust system is literally hanging by a "thread" (which in this case happens to be a crafted, wire hanger), and repairs are unforeseeable due to the amount of rust that has accumulated on the underside of my car. That being said, I'm determined to get every last mile out of it before I NEED to purchase a new(er) car. However, this comes with a rather russian-roulette gamble everyday, with a distinct possibility that I will, indeed, be shipwrecked on the side of a busy street on my way to work or to pick up my children. This isn't an anxiety that I'm thrilled to be experiencing, but, I am thankful during every turn I make, or bump I drive over, that my car is: still running.

2. I have amazing co-workers at BOTH my jobs: This is a bit of an understatement, as I have never had the privilege of working with such beautiful people. I began working at First Unitarian Society of Milwaukee almost two months ago, and I'm already establishing relationships that have the potential to last a lifetime. And, more recently, I began working at Northwestern Mutual, where at which great people are among my team. Because of these remarkable relationships, professional or otherwise, I feel I will (finally) feel settled in my career(s).

3. My children have adapted well to their parents' separation: which is also always an undercurrent of my gratefulness. It has been said to me, on numerous occasions, that children suffer immensely when faced with the separation or divorce of their parents. I'm not sure I entirely agree. For me, I see healthy and happy children/youth who've gone through a healthy and stable separation of their parents. One of my fellow students and I were discussing the issue, as well as my anxieties about it, when she told me, "I don't think it was that bad, I've been used to it all my life since my parents split up when I was really little. To me, it was kind of fun to have two homes. But, my parents also get along. So, I suppose it could have been different if they didn't." And therein lies the real issue: a healthy, loving, and gentle separation/divorce has a much less traumatizing affect on children. This is why I have made it a priority to communicate openly, and fairly with my ex: for the sake of our children's' well-being. And, I'm happy to report: it was an adjustment for them, but they remain happy and healthy through the process.

Inner Truths and Audible Meanderings: Journey to Betterment No. 2

Even in the midst of chaos, there can be a calm, and sleeping peace.

I have been pondering many things about my life, and my self. So far, the process has been fruitful, but not without it's moments of doubt. But, doubt is the labor of personal growth.

Today I will tell myself: listen to music that soothes your soul, makes your heart dance, and tickles your inspiration. And, for god's sake, love each minute that you're alive.

Because no moment should be lost.

Inner Truths and Audible Meanderings: Journey to Betterment No. 1

I have decided to start writing again. I've been trying to keep up with my journaling/sketching and whatnot, but I've lost my ability to focus with pen to paper. With all the accessibility that is the web, I feel this may be a suitable outlet for a while.

I have loved and I have lost. And, I have lost love. But, I have found it again in unexpected places, in the small nothings of life, in my routines, and in the moments I feel lost. I'm learning to live with myself, learning to see myself at my core, and better my self as an act of healing and discovery. I have always wanted to be the best version of myself, and I strive to have this be a goal of mine throughout my lifetime. Nothing is ever done growing, or changing, that is alive. And, I think even in death. However, I am here and I want to be overcome each day by the sweet breaths of life.

I want, I want, I want. I need to be more self-less. I learned something this past week that opened my eyes to a new way of looking at each encounter. It was pitched to me like the pitch of a sale, however, it is an ideal I am more than willing to adopt and I look forward to the challenge. Enter every room with a There You Are vision. Be focused on the person you are encountering. Make your sole purpose to love them in that moment, care about the words that pass between you, even if they are short or shallow. I have had a very lonely Here I Am attitude. In the recent past, I have entered each room, self-involved, wondering who will I see, who will I be with, what will they say to me, or what will I say to them; insecure of the possibility that attention will be on me. This is one of my major struggles with anxiety, and, perhaps, having a more externally focused attitude and approach to life will counteract this disorder. My goal is to enter each room with an open heart and mind, with a passion for whomever is within it.

Be blessed. A man I hardly know said an amazing set of syllables to me one morning last week. He said,

"Optimism is practiced, and it gets harder with age."

His remedy? To wake up every morning and focus on three blessings in your life, each morning choosing different blessings. I'm on day four of this endeavor, and I've noticed a weakness in my grateful-mind: I have an unexercised feeling of thankfulness. Each day has become harder to find my three new/different blessings. But, how can that be? I have become comfortable in my luxuries that I have allowed the poison of entitlement cloud my soul. I focus so much so on the things I do not have, the things I long for, that I mistreat the value of what I do. I must adjust this thinking.

Word Vomit: peace, humility, serenity, calm, joyous, fresh, whole, reborn, soulful...

two down... more festering

I have been busy. Busy as a bee. Mother bee in her hive. Tending to the daily chores of motherhood and household. I have made an effort to paint and draw. I'm still not to where I want to be, but I feel like I'm making progress.

My first self portrait in this project turned out to be a work in acrylic. Although my mouth is disproportionate to the rest of my face, I accomplished something I admire in other portrait paintings: using blue hues to provide shadows. The colors are quite striking to my eyes. The interesting thing is, I hate it. Ha ha ha. There's something so discomforting about looking at myself. I hung the painting above my desk in the main room, in a place where I'm forced to notice it everyday. I'm hoping to figure out why I hate looking at myself.


My second self portrait is a headless, pencil drawing. I tried to use simple lines and shading, and I'm actually more pleased with this portrait. There's something about mutilating my body image that I find strangely relaxing. It's almost as if I'm telling myself, "It could be worse."

I want more. Originally, I set out to complete three self portraits. I didn't want to overwhelm myself with a daunting, lofty goal. But, I'm two-thirds done with my goal, and I haven't come any closer to sanctity within myself. So, I'm planning on doing more. I'm not sure why, but there's a tension within myself I need to solve. It's further in than just a low self image, further away from the solution of better diet and exercise. And I've got a long way to go before I figure it out.

Peek-a-boo

Where did I go? I had a revelation during a recent visit with my grandmother. She said something I'm sure I've heard before, but this time, coming from within the depths of someone I've known in a not so serious way, it rang in me. She said, "after you have a child, you sometimes lose your identity." This is entirely true in the case of me.

Although I have managed some small accomplishments whilst being with child, i.e., completing a year of college while pregnant and through the newborn stage, a large part of myself has been consumed. I can't say I've minded, or even noticed, that this small and beautiful life has banished a part of me. However, during the transition from single-independent-woman, to married-mother-of-one, I seem to have forgotten to nurture myself in some ardently important ways.

There is a deep, post-partum need, now, to rediscover myself.

Step One: I have decided to clean out my painting corner in the basement of my house. It has never actually been what I've wanted it to be, and now it houses dust-bunnies and cat vomit, not an environment conducive to the creative process. So, I'm relocating. I think I will more actively pursue my painting in a more mobile and interchangeable setting, say... the dining room table. My inner yearning for the compartmentalized aroma of small, new york style apartment living, mixed with the hustle-bustle of mothering will hopefully collide to create a setting that will encourage my art. No more dingy basement, where spiders and cobwebs clot my creative flow.

Step Two: I never really understood self portraits until now. Once, I painting a gigantic portrait of myself. There were lots of layers, textures, and colors, and somehow they all disappeared beneath a new idea. I, quite literally, lost myself. In my previous blog, I made note of Alice Neel. Her technique and pallate appeal to me. She has a way of discovering people through brushstrokes. So I've set out to do the same, in a more narsacistic way. I plan on completeing three self portraits. The number three is just a number at this point. I feel if I only did one, it wouldn't really push me into the process I want to go through. I want to painstakingly discover my physical self, to pour onto what I've more recently decided to hate. Maybe after a few paintings I'll be able to see the beauty again. After the three self portraits, I'll have to redetermine where I'm at in my process, and if I'm any closer to becoming more self aware.

We'll see.